Time to Let Go
by anomaly16
Summary: Dean's hurting, can Sam help him overcome his personal demons? Croatoan spoilers R
1. Chapter 1

**Summary: **Dean's hurting, can Sam help him conquer his demons?

**Warnings**: angst

**Author's Note**: set after Croatoan

**Feedback: **Same as usual, any comments or helpful suggestions are welcome.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Supernatural or any of the characters involved on the show, though I wouldn't mind owning Jensen or Jared :

**Time To Let Go**

Metallica was softly humming in the background, providing some noise to the otherwise silent ride. Dean was driving the impala, as usual and Sam sat in silence, trying to wrap his head around Dean's sudden personality change. Dean sighed from the driver's seat and when Sam looked over, he finally saw how worn out and tired Dean looked.

"Dean?" Sam asked, tentatively.

Dean didn't respond for a moment, then tiredly, almost reluctantly, responded, "What, Sammy?"

Sam sighed to himself, something was bothering his older brother, he just couldn't tell what. He hadn't been the same since their Dad had died. At first, he'd thought it was the stress of the death, but then Dean became reckless while hunting, and he was never reckless. "Never mind," he muttered.

Dean studied Sam for a moment, clenched his jaw and pulled the Impala over to the side of the road, turning off the ignition. He sat, staring at the dashboard for a moment, before turning to Sam. "Sam," he began.

Sam looked at his older brother, worriedly. He thought about talking but figured it'd be best to allow Dean to get it out on his own, whatever was bothering him.

"I-I can't do this anymore," Dean said, leaning back, his hands falling to his lap. "I'm sorry, Sammy. But I can't, it's too hard," he turned his head against the headrest so he was facing Sam. Dean eyes were glistening, his jaw clenched, trying to keep his emotions in.

"Is that what's been bothering you?" Sam asked softly.

Dean didn't respond, "You were right, this isn't the way to live our lifes…out of hotels or the car, not having a home, running scams so we can keep going. I'm tired of running, of never settling down, not having a decent bed, something permanent to come home to…"

Sam was silent, not quite sure whether he should respond.

"I'm tired of putting our lives on the line every day for people who won't give a damn the next day that we did or not," Dean vented, his voice rising in volume and anger, or disgust, Sam couldn't tell which.

"What do you want to do?" Sam asked.

Dean shook his head, as he tried to hold back the tears, "I don't know, Sammy. This…hunting…it's all we know. Hell, Dad trained us to be hunters ever since we were little kids. I always figured that's what we'd do until we died. You, me…Dad" Dean clenched his jaw, lightly smacking his thigh, "I guess I knew it wouldn't stop…the hunting…after we found the demon that killed Mom and Jess. Dad wouldn't have let us; I just never thought we'd end up like this. Dad dead after bargaining for my life".

"What happened, that wasn't planned, Dad chose family over hunting. He always taught us that, "Family first" that was his motto," Sam tried to console his older brother.

"Back there, when we thought you were infected…it hit me" Dean pushed on, ignoring Sam's statement.

"What did?" Sam asked.

Dean glanced at Sam, "That I could've lost you. That I was 2 hours away from losing you".

"Dean-" Sam began.

"Don't" Dean interrupted, "Just, don't" he repeated, this time softer.

Sam nodded silently and waited for Dean to go on.

"Family's all I've got, and now that Dad's gone, you're all that I have. I don't have friends from school that I can fall back on. If you died, I wouldn't have been able to deal with it, I wouldn't have been able to handle dealing with this job, these personal demons, on my own". Dean sighed, "What happened in that town, I never want you to come that close to death again. This job's too dangerous and I'm sorry, I really am. I shouldn't have dragged you into it again".

"Dean, I chose to come with you again, remember? You didn't force me back into it" Sam reminded.

"You'd still be at Stanford if I hadn't come to get you last year".

"You don't know that, that demon still would have come and taken Jess, whether I was with you or not. We probably would have met up anyways after that," Sam reasoned.

Dean shook his head "We can't do this anymore".

"Dean, we can't give up" Sam replied, a knot began to form in his stomach.

"Think of it as early retirement, Sammy" Dean replied grimly.

"Dean, come on. I know it's rough, but you have got to get over this. It's killing you" Sam said.

Dean shook his head.

"You were the one who told me that you can't let this job get to you, remember?"

"That was totally different, Sammy".

"No, Dean. It's not" Sam said, his voice rising.

Dean looked up at Sam.

"Dean, this job, it can mess with your head, but you can't let it. I know deep down you don't want to quit. You're right…we should take a little vacation. You want to see the Grand Canyon? Let's do that, then we can go over and see some national parks, hit some amusement parks...whatever we need so we can get you to relax and stop blaming yourself," Sam pressed, hurriedly.

Dean clenched his jaw, "Sammy-" he began.

"No, it'll be good. Take a few weeks to unwind. No hunting, it'll be good for the both of us, I promise," Sam quickly interrupted.

"Sam, taking a break, it's not going to make this problem go away," Dean paused, formulating his thoughts, "I can't do this anymore," he added softly.

Sam stared helplessly at his older brother, desperate tears began to welt up in his eyes, "Dean, please".

Dean sighed and gazed at Sam, "I don't know what to do anymore, Sammy. I don't know how I can make this feeling go away, I don't know if I want to…All I know is that if I continue hunting, I'm not going to be able to take it much longer. I've already begun to do irrational things. I'm not myself anymore, and frankly, it scares me, Sammy. I can't live in this constant paranoia anymore" Dean looked into Sam's eyes, "It's not healthy for either one of us".

Sam stared at Dean at a loss. "You-you aren't going to do anything stupid, are you? 'Cause you can't, Dean. You can't lose your head…like when you were thinking of making a deal with the devil. You aren't thinking of doing anything like that again, are you?"

Dean ignored Sam's question. Instead he turned the key, starting the car. Once he made sure no car was coming, he pulled back onto the road, slowly beginning to pick up speed along the backcountry road.

"Dean," Sam pleaded, "promise me".

"I can't promise anything, Sammy. I'm sorry, but I can't" Dean replied softly. "I just can't," he repeated, barely above a whisper.

**A/N**: continue? Yes/No? plus, is Harvard Sam's school? I couldn't remember…


	2. Chapter 2

"Hi, welcome to Knight's Inn, what can I do for you guys?" The young woman behind the desk asked cheerfully.

"One room, please," Dean replied quietly, his tone sullen. Before she could ask, Dean slid an American Express card across the counter.

The clerk accepted the card and after a couple minutes of working on her computer, she looked up, "Alright, Mr. Porter, you're in room 174, down that hall to the left," she pointed, then continued talking, "If you could just sign here," she pushed the receipt and a pen towards Dean, indicating where she wanted him to sign.

Dean signed without saying a word, his mouth pressed into a thin line, a grim expression on his face. Once he was done, he pushed the receipt back, "Thanks," he muttered, grabbing his duffel from the floor.

"Have a nice night," she offered.

"Thanks, you too," Sam forced a smile before rushing off after Dean. Sam finally caught up as Dean was unlocking the door. "Come on, talk to me," Sam pleaded.

"Not now, Sammy," Dean warned. Once the door was unlocked, Dean swung it open and marched inside, dropping his bag on the bed closest to the door.

Sam sighed and resignedly dropped his bag on the empty bed.

Dean noisily rummaged through his bag, "Damn it," he muttered.

"What?" Sam asked curiously.

"Left my knife in the car, I'll be back," Dean strode over to the door and opened it swiftly. "Lock the door behind me," he reminded.

Sam nodded, following Dean to the door. He turned the deadbolt, and then sank back onto his bed, lost in thought. He had to come up with a plan, because if he didn't, he knew he was going to lose Dean too, and he wasn't going to let that happen. Sam was still lying on the bed, staring aimlessly at the ceiling when Dean returned.

"Sam, it's me...let me in," Dean called from the hallway.

Sam hurried to the door and peered through the hole, making sure it was Dean, then opened the door. He stepped aside so Dean could enter the room, and then shut the door, turning the deadbolt and putting the chain in place for the night. "Find it?" Sam asked, trying to make conversation.

Dean held it up so Sam could see before tossing it on the bed, "I'm going to take a shower...don't let anyone in," Dean warned.

Sam nodded, "I know," he assured.

Dean nodded, grabbed a gun from his bag, and then headed into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him.

Sam shook his head, grabbed the remote and sat down on the edge of his bed. He passed the next 15 minutes channel surfing, not really paying attention to what was on the TV. He'd try to get Dean to talk to him after he was done showering, maybe the shower would help relax Dean's nerves a little, help him loosen up. Sam turned the TV up, trying to block out his thoughts; however, as he was flipping he heard muffled sobs coming from the bathroom. Sam quickly muted the TV, listening intently. Yes, he was sure of it, they were quiet, but someone was definitely crying.

Sam stood and tentatively walked over the closed door, "Dean?" he called worriedly.

The sobs stopped.

"Are you okay?" Sam pressed, his head resting against the smooth wood of the door.

A short pause, then Dean's strained voice seeped through the cracks, "Yeah, I'm fine. Nothing's wrong," Dean managed before clearing his throat.

"You sure?" Sam pressed, "Because someone was cry-" he began to explain, but Dean quickly cut him off.

"I'm positive, Sam. Would you leave me alone? I'm trying to shower and it's a little hard with you yapping through the door constantly!" Dean retorted, a hint of annoyance slipping into his tone.

Sam sighed, "Fine," he surrendered, "I'll talk to you later," he added, making sure to let Dean know he wasn't finished.

"Thank you," Dean replied, aggravated.

Sam stayed pressed against the door for another moment thinking, then slowly began the short walk back to his bed with one thought echoing in his brain, _Dean, the one guy who never lost it and who he'd only seen cry at their Dad's funeral, had not only been crying, but sobbing._

**A/N:** thanks to everyone who helped me with Sam's school as well as all of the reviews, I'm glad you guys liked it. This addition is short, but the semesters ending and the teachers are trying to cram in final tests and hundreds of projects…any advice to make it better is welcome/whatever else. Thanks!


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